Psychoanalytic psychologist, CBT, coach
“Avoidant type is one of the key concepts in attachment theory. It was developed by psychologists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. People with avoidant type are characterized by a tendency to avoid closeness and intimate relationships. They also demonstrate emotional distance from their partner. Attachment type plays an important role in understanding human relationships and their dynamics.”
What we will tell you
In total, there are four types of attachment in psychology. Avoidant is one of them. Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby also describe the following: secure, anxious, and anxious-avoidant. All four are characterized by traits in the ways of perceiving, understanding, and establishing relationships with others.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be independent and self-sufficient. They find it difficult to open up emotionally. We can observe the same manifestations in people with an anxious-avoidant type. But there is a difference.
People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style crave close relationships. They have a pathological fear of losing the object of their desire. But at the same time, these people fear intimacy and try to show independence. But avoidant attachment types can maintain distance in relationships and not feel a strong fear of loss.
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Characteristics in relationships.
Certain traits can be observed in the relationships of people with an avoidant type of attachment.
1. Tendency towards independence and independence. People with an avoidant attachment style often strive to be free and self-sufficient. They prefer to solve their problems without outside help or support. As a partner, they may have difficulty establishing and maintaining deep, trusting relationships due to their emotional reserve.
2. Difficulty expressing emotions and intimacy. Avoidant people have difficulty expressing their emotions and feelings. This is due to a fear of vulnerability. They tend to be emotionally reserved and do not always talk openly about their feelings. In relationships, they keep their distance and avoid intimacy. And this can create a feeling of alienation in the lover.
3. Tendency to hide true feelings and needs. People with an avoidant type of attachment try to hide their true feelings and demands from others in order to avoid conflicts or unpleasant situations.
4. Lack of trust in others and desire to solve problems independently. Avoidant people may experience distrust towards others. They prefer to deal with problems on their own without seeking help or support. Often, these people make decisions on their own, without waiting for their partner’s opinion.
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Formation of an avoidant type.
The formation of an avoidant type of attachment can be due to various factors. From childhood, the influence of elders to the individual experience of a person. Let’s take a closer look.
Relationships with parents in childhood. – one of the main factors influencing the development of attachment. If a child experienced a lack of emotional support, was ignored, neglected, then this can contribute to the formation of an avoidant type.
Childhood plays a very important role in the development of a person’s personality. Parents are the first and main figures with whom a child interacts. It is through them that he learns to build relationships with the outside world.
Positive and affectionate relationships with parents contribute to the development of a secure attachment personality. What does it mean? Such a person feels loved, protected and confident that his emotional needs will be met. In this case, the child, and later the adult, easily form relationships, establish close contact and trust other people.
However, a lack of parental care, attention and support can lead to the formation of unfavorable attachment types, including avoidant attachment. Children who have experienced rejection or lack of emotional contact from important adults develop a defense mechanism to avoid intimacy with others.
Parental support, care, understanding and love create the foundation for healthy emotional development and the establishment of quality relationships with other people.
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Traumatic eventsthe loss of loved ones or other negative events also influence the formation of an avoidant type of attachment. People who have experienced a severe shock or a major loss begin to avoid getting close. This is their defense mechanism.
Individual character traitsinnate temperamental traits and mental properties influence the formation of attachment type. Some people may have a tendency to avoid intimacy and be more independent by nature.
Personal experience It also determines the type of attachment. For example, previous relationships, traumas, successes and failures in communication. Past experiences with others can have a significant influence on our behavior and communication.
It is important to remember that forming an attachment type is a complex process. There are many factors to consider here. But understanding them will help you understand more deeply the nature of the avoidant attachment type and its origin.
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How to build harmonious relationships?
We are all in a web of different types of relationships and have our own communication characteristics. Interacting with other attachment types is challenging. Why is that?
Different attachment types may have different needs, expectations, and ways of expressing emotions. However, understanding these differences and learning how to connect with people will greatly improve the quality of your relationships.
1. Try to be open and honest when communicating with other people. Express your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and distinctly to avoid misunderstandings.
2. Learn more about other types of attachments. This will help you better understand their behavior. For example, avoidant individuals may need more space and time to think about their own decisions, while ambivalent individuals value closeness and support.
3. Show understanding and empathy for other people’s feelings and needs. Help them feel needed and important.
4. Respect other people’s boundaries and respect other people’s personal space. Remember that everyone has the right to their feelings, emotions and lifestyle.
5. Accept the uniqueness and characteristics of others. Remember that we are all different. Practice accepting differences and tolerating all types of attachments.
6. Encourage common interests and hobbies. They can bring your relationship closer together and help you understand each other better.
Dealing with different types of attachment is not easy. But with mutual respect, understanding and tolerance, it is possible to build harmonious and trusting communication.
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It is also worth noting that the type of attachment has a significant impact on family and romantic relationships. How? People with an avoidant attachment style need more personal space and independence. It is important to respect their needs and boundaries. There is no need to insist on too much communication. Give them the opportunity to be themselves.
Avoidant people may also have difficulty expressing their emotions and needs. Therefore, it is important to provide them with support and understanding, and to be patient and supportive when they need help.
Understanding the attachment styles of both partners can help you better understand their dynamics. This way, you will learn to communicate effectively. Communication, empathy, and a willingness to work on yourself and the relationship contribute to creating a strong, trusting bond between a couple.
Understanding one’s own emotions, fears, and limitations helps a person better understand themselves, their reactions to events, and interactions with the world around them. Ask questions about what scares, worries, or bothers them.
Pay attention to situations in which you feel insecure or stressed. This will help you identify your fears and limitations. It is important to recognize that everyone has them. Do not be ashamed of your emotions and feelings. It is better to find ways to deal with them.
If you are having trouble understanding your fears and limitations, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist or therapist. They will help you understand your emotions and learn to manage them effectively.
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Steps to help change your attachment style
Changing your attachment type is a complex process. Why? It requires being aware of your current attachment style, as well as making changes in attitudes and behavior. Let’s consider several practical steps for a “qualitative” change and the formation of a trusting contact.
1. Awareness and understanding of your attachment type. This is the first step towards change. Study the characteristics of each type of attachment and try to determine which one you are prone to.
2. Working with past events. If you have had traumatic experiences or negative relationships that have affected your attachment style, it is important to begin to overcome them. Consulting a therapist or psychologist who specializes in this topic can help you resolve the issues and begin to heal emotional wounds.
3. Develop self-confidence and security. To change your attachment style, it is important to develop a sense of security and reliable internal support. Working on your self-esteem, strengthening your self-esteem and confidence will help you change the way you look at yourself and improve the quality of your relationships.
4. Setting boundaries. Defining and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships is a key aspect of changing attachment patterns. Learn to express your needs, respect your own boundaries and those of others.
5. Learn new communication skills. Positive communication experiences play an important role in changing your attachment pattern. Learn to express your feelings and emotions clearly and respectfully, listen to others, show empathy, and resolve conflicts effectively.
6. Support for the environment. How to do it? You need to surround yourself with a supportive environment, including friends, family, or professionals. They will help you through the process of change. Hanging out with people who have a secure attachment style can also be beneficial for you.
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The process of change takes time, effort, and self-reflection. Be patient and open to change, gradually moving step by step toward a healthier, more satisfying relationship.
There is also an emotionally focused direction of therapy. It is based on the attachment theory of the above-mentioned authors. I recommend paying attention to it. This direction does an excellent job of adapting different types of attachment in all kinds of relationships. Also, if you are interested in this topic, you will find it useful to read the books “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson and the second part of the series “Feeling of Love”.
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