With the permission of the author, the site kp.ru publishes excerpts from the diaries of Russian Alexander Randentans, who has lived in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) for many years.
HER DREAM IS TO HAVE MANY CHILDREN
Is it possible for a white man to have a happy marriage with an African woman (in our case, a Congolese woman)? In principle, it is possible. It is important not to make a mistake and make the right choice of a life partner.
According to the ideas of the young Congolese woman, the period of a serious relationship should end with a wedding. Getting married and giving birth to a bunch of children is the main goal and task of any African girl. Her parents and family members expect this of her. (In general, more than 200 peoples and nationalities live in DR Congo in 26 provinces, customs may vary, but not significantly.)
Consent to the marriage is given by the parents of the parties. They will have the last word! In general, in the Congo there is a cult of parents, they are treated seriously and with respect.
Therefore, your face-to-face meeting with the parents of the bride (commitment ceremony) is inevitable. The groom prepares money and gifts for this event. The amount of money and the characteristics of the gifts depend on many factors. Firstly, from the territory, and secondly, what kind of tribe is chosen, what is the status of her parents, etc. Approximate expenses: from $ 1000-1500, plus small cattle in the amount of 15-20 heads, plus cloth for the future mother-in-law, several cases of beer for the father-in-law and relatives.
Yes, I repeat once again, here we are specifically analyzing the white boyfriend. He will have to pay. If discounts, dues are possible for local gentlemen, “I’m still jobless, get a position, I’m waiting for an inheritance from my Nigerian uncle,” then they don’t apply to whites.
However, when it comes to whites in general, there are very few in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Tourists and expatriates – shouted the leopard. And all for what? Because the Democratic Republic of the Congo is a country “tense about security”. Many embassies directly do not recommend going there.
YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM COMMUNICATION WITH NEW FAMILY
But back to my story. An important point is that a girl in the Congo does not live “like a cat, alone.” She is connected by blood ties with her clan, the number of her relatives is estimated at tens or even hundreds of people. And they are in constant communication, they know everything about each other.
Two types of power coexist in parallel in the country: the traditional civilian (President, Parliament, Government, governors, mayors) and the primary power of tribal leaders and elders. It happens that this second power, non-traditional, dominates. It has more weight than the officials. And marriage in the Congo (however, as in many other African countries) is not only the union of a man and a woman, but, above all, the union of two clans.
That is, the white husband will receive “as a gift” (and on his balance, what can I say) a large and friendly African family. It will be fun! From communication with new relatives, do not hide, do not hide.
The husband will necessarily enjoy family holidays, which include Christmas and New Year, as well as countless events of a large African family (engagements, weddings, funerals, clashes between clan members due to infidelity, moving some relatives to a new house, meet / say goodbye to relatives) …
African life is so hectic and emotional that a white husband will definitely not be bored.
Subtotal: To be happy with an African, you need to understand/accept the local Afro mentality, customs and traditions. A white person, in order to be happy in such a marriage, needs to be completely immersed in African life, literally “breathing Africa.”
Living in Kinshasa, the capital of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, I have seen cases where misguided Europeans have not learned these simple rules. The consequences were horrendous.
THE HORRIBLE STORY OF THE GERMAN ROLF
African women are the element. A clot of energy and primitive instincts. It is not easy for a man to deal with this. especially white.
I saw the sad story of a nice guy named Rolf. An exemplary German manager, cold-blooded, tough, prudent. He worked in the Congo as a branch manager of a large European corporation. In addition to a solid salary, he also had a percentage of the profits.
A wealthy, mature, 54-year-old man, married for a quarter of a century, has an adult son. His wife is also German, a businesswoman. My husband is always in Africa, he is home one or two months of the year.
Living and working in the Congo is stressful and adventurous. Instability, settings, wiring, various infections, along with natural disasters, in general, a bunch. Here it is customary to relieve stress with alcohol, sports, or… sex.
Suffering from loneliness, men are greedy for female affection and attention. While hanging out at the bar, Rolf met the beautiful Sheila. The girl is textured, with full lips and the grace of a panther. She is 26 years old, she has seen a lot, she lives quietly, without stress. During the day, sleep until dinner, then meals, pool, cafes, bars, clubs and discos. And so every day. New suitors, new gifts.
Waking up with her, Rolf felt like he was in paradise. The next day everything happened again. Then again Rolf went into a love tailspin, lost control and plummeted.
After all, an African in the arms of a white man forgets that she is African. She requires a special relationship. Caucasoid also loses his mind and indulges in all things serious. The reason goes out completely.
Contrary to German nature, Rolf became generous. He took her beloved with gifts almost daily, took her in an expensive car. They had lived together for several months. Expenses exceed income. The German went into loans. I was in no hurry to visit my family in Germany.
At work, he began to make mistakes, weakened his business acumen. A corporation with such a director began to receive losses. The energy and strength of an old man went entirely to his beloved panther.
Trying to justify himself to the leaders, Rolf began to work for days, dragging himself home half dead. I drank energy drinks, ate Viagra packets (Sheila wouldn’t let me sleep, her temper is crazy, like many African women). The German could no longer distinguish day from night, everything was jumbled up in a head of flax.
Sheila brought home some tough young “friends” for the night. Rolf slept behind the wall like a dead man, the hard work taking all the strength from him.
Luckily, the wife in Germany started the divorce proceedings, sued for the division of assets.
German diplomats from the German embassy in the Democratic Republic of the Congo tried to reason with Rolf. But in vain. A German citizen caught in a “honey trap”. Having lost his job, he returned to his homeland poor and deeply in debt.
But for the rest of her life, she’ll remember the impulse of love, the hot nights with a wild black panther… and the fact that “immersion in the wild” can be dangerous for a career and a foreign male mind.
ABOUT IN-LAWS AND CHILDREN
Of course, Rolf’s story is rather an exception. But don’t say I didn’t warn you!
And when both spouses keep their heads on their shoulders and really want to build a marriage center, everything is much simpler and calmer … for someone. After all, according to African concepts, the main difficulties of family life lie in the fragile female hands.
In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, a woman can get a job only with her husband’s permission. The salary will be given to her husband and he already distributes the funds at her own discretion. From the Congolese woman’s point of view, the husband knows best where to spend. It happens that the wife’s relatives live abroad, receive benefits there or work. They send money to the wife, but this is also not considered her personal income, but help for all members of the clan. What the wife reports to her husband, she consults with him about the best way to spend these dollars or euros. If not, they won’t understand…
About funny (for us). Oddly enough, but the mother-in-law here is a friend of the man. In case of family disputes and clashes, she will be on the side of her son-in-law. At the same time, the father-in-law remains neutral. He rises, as it were, above the fight.
The maintenance of elderly parents is entirely on the shoulders of the children. Because the more you have, the better. They will provide and help in any way they can. Children are your future pension, father!
About sad. If one of the spouses wants to divorce, it is not so easy to do it. The case will be handled by the relatives of the wife and husband. Find compromises. If they disagree, the matter will go to the elders and their decision will be final. Alimony depends entirely on the conscience of the husband. If he wants, he will help. If he doesn’t want to, he won’t. And there is nothing to do.
HOW I WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE IN AFRICAN
I remember that visit to a clairvoyant pastor (priests in Africa are a separate story, they enjoy great prestige among the people, they earn good money in psychological consultations for a wealthy flock). Then, the pastor predicted to me: “be very careful, there is danger from the women”.
And it was like looking at water. At that time, my first “marriage” broke up.
Here you need to understand that in the case of a serious relationship with a Congolese girl, and even more so after several months of living together, the divorce process will be long and thorny.
You can’t say “bye, we don’t fit in”. According to local customs, this is simply impossible. Malfunctions are coming. And not with one girl, but with all her numerous relatives. (If the initiator of the divorce is a girl, then it’s a different matter, there will be much fewer problems).
Therefore, I immediately note: it is better not to conflict with an African. Try to avoid sharp corners. He talks to her, looks for compromises.
A fight can lead to damage to property and health, up to injury. Regardless of body build and weight, all African women have remarkable physical strength and fantastic stamina. If she’s furious, then her man can literally be torn to pieces!
Regardless of the time of day, the neighbors are necessarily connected to the conflict. The noise and the din at the same time is hellish. Everyone screams, runs, jumps, gesticulates… You feel like Mowgli in the jungle.
In one of these fights, I was about to call my dark-skinned friend-neighbor to help me, but the boy less than two meters tall with bloody fists was scared by a small and determined woman from the east of the Congo. Armed conflicts have been going on in those places for decades, and the people are compatible.
… When everyone calms down, a detailed “report” is carried out and decisions are made. Relatives and friends of his now ex-wife are present, the neighbors will surely participate.
But with a white man, the conversation is special. If an African man, in case of a conflict, can establish passions against his relatives, his relatives (sometimes they converge from wall to wall in the courtyard), then a foreigner in such a situation is almost defenseless.
But the main thing is not to give in and not to bend. Fortunately, an experienced lawyer helped me (of course, not for free), in our opinion, “resolute”. And also the relatives of my new wife, with whom I now live.
The elders came to our house and in my presence they called the elders of the former girls’ tribe. They literally said (I’ll omit the scolding): “fuck you, hands off Alexander, not a single hair will fall from his head. And no redemptions. Now he is ours.” End of quote.
But, as they say, everything that is done is for the better. My new relatives are from the neighboring province to the east. If in the east of the DRC people are simply killed, then in this province they can also ritually eat dead enemies (well, according to rumors).
It turns out that there is a kind of original patriarchy in the Congo. It seems that a man is in the lead, but in extreme cases, the interests of a woman are taken into account. After all, protecting her, the clan can go to extreme measures.
ON POLYGYNY
Due to endless armed conflicts in the eastern DRC, large-scale wars in the 1990s and early 2000s, epidemics and famine, there was a shortage of men in the country. The result, I think, is clear to you. Despite the fact that the country is mostly Christian, there are families where a man has several wives.
The Church and the authorities turn a blind eye to polygamy. They don’t particularly approve, but they don’t discourage either.
Polygamists fall into three categories:
– men with money and status (some rich people have entire harems);
– prosperous peasants from towns and villages, where the second wife is additional labor on the subsidiary farm;
– and a kind of middle peasants. They have money today, not tomorrow. Things are not like that. And there are three wives. In some cases, all three wives can work and bring a penny to the family. The husband sits at home, watches TV with a cold beer, monitors the cash flow.
Although officially, according to civil law, you can only marry a girl. The “Comuna” (a local body with the functions of our registry office) registers the marriage in this way.
In cases where the husband (which is one in three) leaves this world, the official wife and her children have priority in the division of the inheritance. Others will get crumbs, or even fly by.
Judging from my conversations with African men, about 50% would like to have third halves. As soon as the state allows it, they immediately think about it.
However, I spoke to the Congolese women I knew, and they are all AGAINST polygamy. And categorically against. All to one.
TOTAL
But if you forget all the wild cases I talked about, then perhaps the Democratic Republic of the Congo is the last bastion of patriarchy on earth. If a man and a woman find themselves “on the same wavelength” and create a family with serious intentions, then the word of a man in this family is law.
And the social status and the thickness of a man’s wallet almost do not matter. Girls from childhood are programmed to honor, respect and obey their husbands. And surprisingly, most Congolese families live in harmony. There are much fewer divorces than in Russia, Europe or the United States.
