“You can do better!”, “You are not good enough”, “You are not doing enough”, “You still need to try very, very hard to achieve something”. These phrases, which a person often hears from entitled mentors, picky parents or simply envious people, have only one meaning: to undermine self-confidence. Unfortunately, sometimes you hear similar words from the person closest to you: yourself…
doctor, psychosomatologist, neuropsychologist
“Paradoxically, we are often the truly ruthless and cruel critics of ourselves. Why is this happening and what to do about it? “Let’s figure it out.”
Inner critic: who is he?
To begin with, I would like to note that any phenomenon, event or state has two sides. Just as negativity can bring good, positivity can bring harm. Criticism is a value judgment, which depends on many factors, and is presented with a “minus” sign or a “plus” sign. By nature, such a sentence can be of two types.
Constructive criticism. The necessary conditions are: your interest (you yourself asked the other person), authority of opinion (you are unlikely to receive a reliable answer from a person who does not understand your profile), politeness (any criticism must be expressed without negativity and insults ). ), comments (in an ideal situation, they will help you and tell you how not to repeat the mistake in the future).Destructive criticism. It is not difficult to guess that here we have diametrically opposite conditions. For example, an anonymous person on social networks, without missing a single post, maliciously and insultingly points out “your incompetence.”
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Your inner critic is a voice in your head (like the “call of conscience”) that, as an indicator, determines what was done right and what was done wrong. Their judgments can refer to the personal, professional and creative spheres. Decide how attractive you are today or whether your living conditions are comfortable enough. In other words, there would be a reason, but there would be criticism.
If we talk about internal criticism, it is also extremely important to take into account the nature of value judgments. It is one thing to objectively realize that it would be good for you to gain experience or learn something, and another thing to endlessly reproach yourself for failures and, at the same time, devalue achievements.
So, with constructive criticism towards oneself, everything becomes more or less clear. It is conditioned by adequate self-esteem, healthy ambitions and the ability to objectively look at the situation with love and care for yourself and your business. But why does an “executioner” sometimes arise within us, who cuts off beginnings and hopes, beginnings of success and prosperity, without leaving room for error?
On constructive self-criticism and awareness of your value:
What is modesty and does it always adorn? Complete analysis by a psychologist.
How does the inner critic appear?
The inner critic is an acquired “pocket assistant” that is always with you. It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Society usually helps you find that “friend”: parents, relatives, acquaintances or, in the case of media personalities, sarcastic commentators. However, it is worth noting that external conditions in this case are only a catalyst and not the main factor.
The main reason why the inner critic gives voice lies in your condition. Of course, it happens that the ground for destructive self-criticism is prepared in early childhood by parents, through the prism of which we, being small, know not only the world around us, but also ourselves (at that time, a priori, a holistic internal state has not yet been formed).
From this we can conclude that the inner critic appears when we have certain problems with self-esteem, or we have not yet managed to gain it at all.
In any case, endless criticism and self-criticism is a sign that should never be ignored. It is rightly said: “Wherever you run, you will always take with you!” Do not close your eyes to your internal feelings and do not substitute concepts, convincing yourself that your self-criticism is a tool for self-development.
If you have become too narrow and difficult with your inner critic, then believe me, the process of self-destruction has begun. Do you constantly feel negative thoughts and feelings: shame, guilt? We urgently need to engage in constructive dialogue with ourselves.
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Dealing with the inner critic
Excessive self-criticism can and should be dealt with. The sooner you start working, the easier it will be for you. Where to start?
4 steps to deal with a critic
1. Realize that you criticize yourself in destructive ways. Indicative signs: very harsh, partial, unfounded. Awareness of the problem is part of its solution, because not accepting a fact literally “binds one hand and foot” and diverts the focus of attention to something less significant.
2. Stop looking at the past. In matters of higher levels of perfectionism and hyperresponsibility, psychologists recommend looking forward, not back: “What happened was, but today I am old enough and mature enough to move forward.”
Of course, you may have felt deeply offended or hurt in the past. It is sad that your parents have not managed to create a holistic inner state in you. But how will blaming others and endless self-criticism help you? This makes sense?
About what lies deep inside and destroys you inside:
Neurocoach: on how to identify and realize desires that we do not even admit to ourselves
3. Feel your value. What words should you repeat to yourself? “I am and I am here,” is the saving formulation. Remember that you have the right to make mistakes or even imperfections. Are you! You occupy a certain place in this world, regardless of the results of the Olympiad, creative competition or victory in the tender.
Excessive demands, whether from others or your own, are a desire to jump over your head. You can try, but the risk of harm is much greater than the chance of achieving the goal. Mental injuries hurt more and take longer to heal.
So, remember that your self-esteem depends only on you. Do you realize the full depth of yourself and your capabilities? Or do you keep cutting off your oxygen without explanation? Stop doing this.
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4. Start seeing positivity everywhere. Do you notice that you have a bad habit of constantly thinking only about the bad? The thinking process is a controlled activity. Do you agree that seeing the negative is much better for you than noticing the positive?
Let’s take a simple example. You climbed a high mountain with great effort, from where stunning views and the beauty of nature should open to you. Unfortunately, the weather turned out to be cloudy. And now, instead of beauty, you only see a thick fog, so you can’t see anything. It is a pity? Of course. You spent time, money, effort to see… Nothing. Is it really “nothing”? Do you remember the way through the mountain? Did you feel the mountain air to the fullest, did you enjoy the communication with the company that accompanied you?
The same goes for self-criticism. Sometimes we get so used to thinking bad that we are simply unable to see the good. Praise and kind words toward oneself seem like a bad thing. Sometimes even unnatural. But who, if not ourselves, can become a reliable support and support for ourselves?
So, should you try to banish your inner critic? The secret is that it is unlikely to be effective. This way of posing the question seems to completely deprive this inner voice of all its powers. What if you approach it differently: try to become friends with him? Do you understand who he is and where he comes from? Where does he take you? Maybe he is talking about a lack of love and tenderness? Or that it’s time to get to know yourself?
The voice of the inner critic, which can be destructive, can be helpful. Remember that everything is in your hands. You have the power to transform destruction into creation.
If the voice in your head doesn’t stop at all, read:
Where do your obsessive thoughts come from and how to deal with them? 5 ways to overcome rumination
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